Wednesday, July 11, 2007


The summer before my junior year of high school was spent at Taylor University's Summer Honors program for high school students. One night I had a dream that Christ came back and one of our professors told us all to hide under a set of stairs. I woke up with this intense fear that I had missed His return! I immediately had to check to see if my roommate was around and I really wanted to call my parents to see if they were still here. Ever since then I have lived with a fear of missing out on His return and also a fear of the unknown...heaven.

This fear was so intense that for several months I was scared to even fall asleep! After a lot of prayer with my dad, I began to realize everything was ok. Dad told me to think about how I feel during worship and heaven is going to be even better than that! It rang true with me and God began to work in me through this fear.

This fear hasn't resurfaced until lately. For some reason, I have been thinking of death a lot lately. Maybe its because Matt came home one day and said something about how he never wanted to lose me. Or that I'm now realizing how short life on earth truly is and its hard to imagine eternity with Christ. I want to have children and see them grow up and have grandchildren. I want to grow old with Matt. All of these thoughts go through my head and it doesn't seem to happen until I lay my head down on my pillow to fall asleep.

Heaven has come up a lot lately. My boss prays every day that God would return soon. Its hard for me to echo that prayer wholeheartedly. A friend of mine emailed me and said she was excited for heaven. My heart's desire is to echo those feelings, but I hold back. Then, another friend blogged about heaven. I think God is trying to get my attention!

There has been construction on a road that I have to take to work and there is a sign that says "Slow down!" and all cars have to move to one lane. They are exposing part of the road and fixing the foundation. I feel as if I am under construction right now and God is working on my foundation. Until I figure out the root issue of this fear, I have to slow down and move to one lane in this journey with Christ.

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